My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
