i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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