It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You made out with two different species that night
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
