Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
