Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
