I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
