I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
