Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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