you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
