btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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