if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
