you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
