I'm gonna have a badass scar
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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