Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
