The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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