I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
