The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
