i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Be still, my beating vagina.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize