I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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