those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
