Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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