I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize