i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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