Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize