she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
