i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
