Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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