I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
