I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
