I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
