You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
