please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
