Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
