I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize