There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
