shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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