It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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