Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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