Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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