I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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