I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
