youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
