I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
