I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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