i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize