He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Randomize
