I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
