i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Did I show you my penis last night?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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