Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
