Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
