Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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