why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
