I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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