I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
