we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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