I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
