No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize