I got chris browned last night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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