someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
