I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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