I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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