and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
