Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
