Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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