I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
