Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
