Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
