cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
