im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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