Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
