where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
