So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
