When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
