You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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