that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
What drink are we having for lunch?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This is my gift to your gina
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
