So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
